Marathon runners repeat the legend of the middle-aged man who woke up one morning determined to commit suicide, choosing to make his own death appear more or less accidental, by running until he collapsed. The guy had gained so much weight, smoked nonstop, and drunk so recklessly that he figured he could walk a half block or so before succumbing to a quick and relatively painless heart attack or stroke. Clad in sweats to hide his big belly and bad intentions, the would-be trauma case trudged to the end of the block and half of the next block before realizing, ironically, that he couldn’t run fast enough, far enough. or strong enough to hurt himself.
Resigning himself to the grim irony, he resolved to rest and prepare to execute his plan and himself the next day. As the story goes, the hapless old man bent on self-destruction kept trying to run to his death until his daily suicide attempt became a ritual. Then, still hoping for a happy collapse, he ran marathons and races of all kinds. Still, he couldn’t give himself a heart attack. And, of course, still hoping for a quick and painless release of all life’s burdens, the now terribly fit old man will repeat his ritual again today. The old runner keeps running because he hurts a lot.
“If only there could be…”
Strictly speaking, “fast” means restriction and regulation, not deprivation. Your body can last a few days without eating; it cannot last more than twenty-four hours without water. During a detox fasting period, you will not deprive your body of all the vitamins, minerals, nutrients, and energy it needs. You will restrict your diet to liquids that cleanse your system and strengthen your defenses against disease. You can have all the healthy antioxidant juices you want and you can have all the water you need. You may not have all the foods your body will inevitably crave. Retiring from your bad habits will do you a lot of harm, both literally and figuratively. You’ll crave Big Macs, Snickers bars, Doritos, your favorite beer, a gorgeous can of classic Coke, just a few bites of melt-in-your-mouth prime rib.
Even if you’ve improved the original detox recipe, your detox drink still won’t taste great or hit the spot like the unhealthy foods you crave. If you have sweetened your detox drink, the sweetness will bother you. If you’ve made your cayenne-rich drink, the fire will linger in your mouth and stomach, reminding you of all you’ve sacrificed. He may have diarrhea, urinate a lot more than usual, and generally feel like he’s been run over by a fleet of Peterbilts. He probably won’t have immediate feelings of health, fitness, and joy. However, you will know that just like singing the blues or running a marathon, your detox diet hurts a lot.
“I guess it’s a good thing there’s not…”
As you continue your detox fast, your pain and cravings will subside, you will begin to feel more alert and energetic, and you will begin to see and feel your weight loss. You’ll begin to understand how your body became dependent on all those sugary, fatty, chemically-enhanced, dangerously preserved foods you’ve been craving. You will find out how much sugar they put in the “special sauce” to make it special; You’ll find out how many empty calories your twelve ounces of Labatt’s pumped into your system; and you will learn how cholesterol builds up in your arteries as plaque on your main ribs.
Gradually, you will acquire a taste and then a preference for fresh fruits and vegetables, pinto beans and kidney beans, and cool, refreshing filtered water. Although he may still feel deprived of everything he used to have, he will understand and appreciate the benefits of everything he now does not have. And, like the persistent runner, he’ll continue his detox fasting ritual, because day after day he hurts so much.