Anger is an emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. It is built into our system and has a purpose for our lives. Thomas Fuller called it ‘the sinew of our souls’, as long as it is expressed constructively and doesn’t sabotage our marriage.

Charles Darwin was of the opinion that human behavior contains residues of the responses found in animals or early man, necessary for their survival. Humans having become involved in higher beings, these residual responses are hidden in the subconscious and are activated only when provoked. However, not all scientists agree with Darwin. The perceptual motivation theory is more balanced and acceptable. It suggests that when an individual evaluates an eliciting stimulus as pleasant or unpleasant, he emotes accordingly.

Anger is a distinctive feeling of disgust at a real or imagined wrong. It makes your adrenaline flow, your blood pressure rises, your face flushes, and your breath stifles. It is an extremely powerful emotion with the potential to destroy marital happiness and interpersonal relationships.

Different ways to express anger:

• Open hostility towards the spouse. Men who beat their wives are said to be angry, resentful, suspicious, and moody. Although they behave well in public, the home is the stage where they show their darker side.

But anger is not exclusively a male trait. Women can be angry too. Although they may not be physically strong enough to beat their husbands, they can be abusive and insulting. Verbal abuse is very high in urban situations. Its effects last much longer than physical abuse. Many families have a ‘short temper’ problem.

Abraham Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, was believed to have a raging temper. She was not only abusive, but she physically abused her husband with firewood or threw potatoes at her. On one occasion, she even chased him around the Springwell yard, carrying a kitchen knife. Even after she became First Lady and moved into the White House, her staff was terrified of her sharp tongue.

Anger can even take a subtle form of stifling love, where the husband pampers his wife and does things for her, while totally isolating her and stifling her competence and creativity.

• Crying or moaning when angry is sometimes a woman’s way of expressing her anger.

• Remain silent, stifle anger and let it build up inside like a smoldering volcano waiting to erupt. This will manifest itself in altered physiological functioning and consequently poor health. A study by an independent research company in Wisconsin looked at marital discord and its effect on heart disease and overall mortality. They discovered that those who continued to suppress their anger activated stress hormones that negatively affected their health. Heart attacks, irritable bowel syndrome, hypertension may occur. Symptoms of gastric ulcer surface in those who continually repress anger. One surgeon said that 97% of his ulcer patients were angry people.

Prolonged emotional stress can also cause behavioral changes. Adolf Meyer describes the role of emotional factors in physical and mental health as psychoparallelism.

• Harmful attitudes such as withdrawal, poor job application, inability to get along with colleagues, and also difficulty keeping a job.

Results of uncontrolled anger.

1. Marital conflict: Anger threatens the unity and stability of families. In some families, fighting is a habit. Both spouses may have short fuses. Children begin to imitate their parents.

2. Strained Relationships: Anger patterns can become destructive and unpleasant.

3. Child abuse: Angry parents can viciously attack their children. The incidence of child abuse by parents is increasing and is not limited to lower socioeconomic groups. Children who grow up in that atmosphere become angry adults. They react in three ways: passive resistance through silence and non-cooperation, retaliation, or open rebellion.

What causes anger?
• Frustration: Feeling of being misunderstood or taken for granted; Needs are not met. Sometimes the anger can be out of proportion to the actual provocation.
• Fear of violence, illness, job loss, or loss of a loved one.
• Wounded by the indifference of the loved one. It can be emotional, physical or relational.
• Exhaustion: Work overload, stress, lack of appreciation and injustice.

Anger management at home.

1. Understand anger: It is an inherent component of all relationships. Oliver and Wright in their book “Pressure Point” say that “disagreements in relationships are inevitable and a fundamental part of achieving intimacy.” So one needs to find healthy ways to express anger. Spouses must understand and appreciate their differences. Such an attitude will lead to intimacy.

2. Fight constructively: Couples must learn to vent anger without destroying each other’s self-esteem. Those who learn to fight constructively will ensure the longevity of their marriage. However, frequent disagreements will weaken the bonds of love.

3. Honesty: Accept that you are angry. Analyze the reasons for your anger. What triggered it?

4. Avoid arguments in the heat of the moment. Work things out when you’re in a better mood. Ask yourself if you too are to blame. Denying your part in the disagreement makes it difficult to resolve the issue. Healthy arguments testify to a strong marriage. But the blame game is dangerous. Disagree without hurting each other.

5. Control your tongue. Take a deep breath and psych yourself up to relax. “The fool gives vent to his anger, but the wise man controls himself.” (Proverbs 29:11) Sometimes walking away from the scene gives a better perspective of the problem. Yoga and meditation have helped people control their temper.

6. Listen to each other. It is very important to understand the other’s point of view. “Couples who vent their anger and do nothing to get to the cause are committing marital suicide,” says Broderick.

7. Sublimating anger through physical exercise, creative activity, or some other form of recreation helps dissipate anger. Such activities take the sting out of this explosive emotion and help discuss matters in a calmer frame of mind. Then negotiation and problem solving is possible.

8. Make the decision to never go to sleep with anger in your heart. Make it up to your spouse before you go to sleep. As the Bible says: “In your anger, do not sin; do not let the sun go down when you are angry, and do not give place to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26, 27.)

9. Forgiveness will lead to the restoration of broken relationships. Holding grudges put a heavy burden on the heart. The pain becomes magnified and unbearable. By forgiving, we stop hurting ourselves and the other person. Abraham Lincoln was able to live with his abusive wife because of a spirit of forgiveness. He made him patient and tolerant.

Forgiveness should also mean letting go of the offense and making a promise never to use it as a weapon in any subsequent fight. Forgiveness is difficult. It can only be done by the grace of God. “Forgive as the Lord forgives you.” The feeling of peace that follows is indescribable.