It’s no secret that a decent percentage of affairs happen in the workplace or on a person’s job. After all, most of us spend as much time at our desks or at our jobs as we do at home with our spouse. And, in today’s economy, under pressure to perform well and get along with others, people can become very close and attached to their co-workers. It’s not uncommon to hear people describe their coworkers as “family,” even if they’re not related.
This can become a real problem when your husband has an affair (emotional or physical) with one of those co-workers and then has so much time and status invested in his job (where that same woman works) that he doesn’t want to leave or leave the job. work once the matter is discovered.
I recently heard from a wife who couldn’t understand why (and was furious that) her husband wouldn’t leave his job after having an affair with a co-worker. She said, in part: “I knew something was up with my husband and his colleague when I saw them together at an office party. I confronted him when we got home, he confessed everything and apologized to me. A part of me wants to save my marriage and get through this. And he has shown that he is willing to work with me to rebuild with the exception of one thing. He will not leave his job. Although he says he understands that I feel uncomfortable with him continuing to work with a woman he cheated on me with, he insists that leaving his job would devastate us financially and force him to turn his back on a career he’s worked his whole life for jam sandwiches for the rest of our lives if it meant taking this woman away from us I just can’t I can’t bear the thought of him looking at her every day or having lunch with her or even interacting with her in a business setting. I work for him, but then he worries me that these things are the same as giving up. What are my options because right now I have no ideas?
Understanding a husband’s refusal to leave his job after an affair: Before I continue, I want to emphasize that I am in no way advocating or sympathizing with husbands having affairs. I have dealt with an affair in my own marriage, so I would never defend this behavior. However, I also occasionally talk to men on this topic and I think it’s important that you at least partially understand their thought process.
Wives often believe that their husbands will not leave his job after the affair because he wants to keep seeing the other woman in secret or cannot bear to be separated from her. I can’t say this is never the case, because sometimes it is. But, there are plenty of other valid reasons for him to be reluctant to leave his job.
A well-known factor that contributes to a man having an affair is low self-esteem. Often a man who cheats or has an affair is struggling a lot with this problem. It’s important to understand that a man’s self-esteem can be closely tied to his work or career accomplishments. Therefore, asking him to leave the very job that is often intimately tied to his own identity may seem like a lot to ask at the time.
Many men will be upset that you don’t trust them enough to let them keep their jobs, but that’s only part of the story. Many are ashamed of their behavior and fear further embarrassment by having to alter their lives and career paths due to someone else’s whims and desires. This can be seen as behavior that isn’t very masculine (although it really shouldn’t matter what other people think).
Finally, many men are being honest when they tell you that they are worried about the financial implications of quitting their job. In today’s economy, being unemployed (even if you choose this path yourself) is an extremely scary and risky place to be. It’s not always easy (or even possible) to find a comparable job with a comparable salary. Many men in this situation will tell you that they have already lost so much to the affair that they don’t want to lose an important constant in their lives right now. They don’t want to add financial problems to the considerable problems they already have.
Find some compromise until your husband can quit or adjust his job: Sometimes when it is clear that you are not ready to leave your job just yet and it is also clear that this is exactly what you need from it, it is advisable to seek compromises so that both people feel that they are at least getting part of their needs met. and they are being heard, at least until a resolution is reached.
Because it’s important for you to know that your husband’s contact with the other woman is completely stopped (or at least drastically reduced), your husband could request a transfer, request a new partner, or adjust his duties. He might encourage you to have lunch with him every day so you don’t have to worry about them being together outside of work hours. She may call you often to make sure you know you’re still on her mind. And the two of you can work together to set a deadline for him to find another job while you both are actively looking for resumes at other companies.
It’s important to feel like you’re working together to find a resolution and that while you may not have the exact resolution you want at the time you want it, you’re at least willing to meet halfway so you both feel validated.
To begin healing from infidelity, both partners must feel that their spouse is willing to work with them to give them what they want and need. The wife needed to know that her husband took her feelings and concerns seriously enough to make some adjustments and take some action, while the husband needed to know that her wife was unwilling to see him lose him. all because he was having an affair.