Introduction

You look up from your book in the coffee shop and freeze with nervous anticipation when you see the sexy guy you’ve fallen in love with from afar sit at the table across the room. He is alone today and what a great opportunity it would be to finally get close to him and introduce yourself. But the anxiety builds as you visualize yourself doing this and bury yourself back in your book. You feel your face burn as you berate yourself for not having the guts to make yourself known. “He would never be interested in me!” “He would kill me if he rejected me!” “What if he showed any interest? What would I say? He’d think I was a complete idiot and a loser as soon as I opened my mouth!” These thoughts swirl through your mind as you look up to find another guy has swooped in for the kill and been invited to sit at the table with the object of your desire. Another missed opportunity!

If you’re a shy guy and you don’t want to be, dating can be a frustrating and daunting experience. When you’re out and about, it seems so easy for other guys to come over and flirt with other men. Or if they’ve made advances on you, you just want to kick yourself when you freeze and don’t know what to say and you feel like you’ve made a bad impression on him and you scare him.

This article will shed some light on the symptoms and psychology behind shyness and offer some suggestions for freeing yourself from the chains that keep you from experiencing a fulfilling social and dating life.

How’s it for the shy guy

Shyness varies on a continuum from situational to dispositional. Some people tend to be socially inhibited only in certain types of settings or circumstances, while for other people this anxiety tends to be more of a personality trait than a predominant way of life, manifesting itself in many different types of settings across the board. scopes. Shy guys tend to be more introverted, preferring more solitary activities to their outgoing counterparts, who like to recharge their batteries through social contact. Neither is better or worse than the other, although society tends to favor the more extroverted personality type and stigmatizes quieter, more internal individuals. The most important aspect here is whether or not negative consequences are experienced as a result of one’s particular biases.

Although there are exceptions, generally speaking, many shy guys tend to be awkward in social situations and don’t like being called out to them. This anxiety can translate to stumbling over words/stuttering, being easily embarrassed, and showing many physical signs of being nervous. They tend to feel judged by others and are very sensitive to the opinions of others, wanting to avoid any kind of criticism or rejection. They may feel inhibited, self-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, and are very internal and self-focused in the sense that they are very preoccupied with their own thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions. They have difficulty meeting people, struggle to start and maintain conversations, fear group interactions, and may have difficulty standing up for themselves and expressing their opinions and needs. Unfortunately, many people may misinterpret a shy guy’s behavior as smug, cocky, arrogant, or distant and cold when that’s not the case at all.

Shy guys often shine when they are in environments where they feel safe or are surrounded by people they know well. They also tend to perform well in structured situations where players interact in script-like roles where there is little need for spontaneity or purposeless blending. Speaking positively, shy people tend to be very creative and have great imaginations that can lend themselves well to leadership and change relationships and situations. Their biggest culprit is the negative self-talk in their heads that minimizes their competence and value; if this obstacle could be removed, their quality of life would rise to a much higher level.

Why so shy?

Most psychological experts believe that shyness is a learned behavior or a reaction to a negative event that inhibits the person. For example, if you were raised in a family where you were made to feel “less than,” your shyness might have developed from a belief that you were only worthwhile if you lived up to certain expectations, so you became more inhibited and suffocated has a result. If you lived with other people who were shy or emotionally identified with an attachment figure who was shy, you may have observed and modeled that behavior yourself and it has become a part of you. Negative experiences or being a victim of trauma may also contribute to the development of shyness.

Growing up gay doesn’t help the shy guy much either. Living “in the closet” and trying to cope with being different in a homophobic society could have made you even more inhibited, amplifying the effects of shyness. Having been a shy guy, becoming more comfortable with my sexual identity and “coming out” helped tremendously in coming out of my shell and being more socially confident, as I was finally able to be the “real me” and let go without the fear of scrutiny. . Where does your shyness come from? Try to understand the origins of your shyness by taking a closer look at your attitudes and past experiences.

Battle strategies to overcome shyness

Overcoming the beast of shyness is not a quick fix, so it’s important to go slow, pace yourself, and take baby steps toward your goals. From my own personal experience and from my work as a therapist and coach with clients, the following are some practical coping tools to take some steps towards overcoming shyness for those men who don’t want to be held back any longer than realize and live. your visions for realizing social and dating experiences.

* Be educated in anxiety management strategies. Learn relaxation techniques that will help you cope more effectively with nervousness so you don’t continue to succumb to the power of your physical reactions.

* Develop a contract with yourself or a close friend/family member detailing an action plan for how you intend to overcome your shyness problem. Schedule times each week that take you out of your comfort zone and into social situations where you can practice becoming more confident and smart. Learn about systematic desensitization to help gradually expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.

* If launching into a social scene is too overwhelming to begin with, start more slowly by taking an acting class or joining a public speaking meeting like Toastmasters. These places are great places to teach you valuable social skills in a safe, structured environment that will give you the practice you need to feel more confident. They’re also great for building your confidence and self-esteem, and you can make some great new friends! When you’re ready, try the structured speed dating craze as your step into dating. For now, do not attach any investment to the result. Use the least threatening parts of your world as your practice lab. Over time, you will develop a greater sense of mastery and comfort in your own skin.

* Learn active listening and communication skills that will help you have conversations with others. Be aware of his body language and how he carries himself as well. If necessary, plan ahead and make a list of topics you can talk about at a meeting or social event, but don’t rehearse.

* Imagine how you would like to be and visualize it on a regular basis to rehearse and internalize this more socially sophisticated you. Role play with a trusted friend. Create a collage with images, words and symbols that represent the image of your “new you” and keep it posted in a place where you will see it every day to stay focused and motivated on where you are going.

* Get out of the trap of self-absorption by transferring the focus to helping others. Channel the energies that reinforced your shyness into rewarding activities that will benefit others in some way. Paradoxically, you will also be helping yourself!

* Most importantly, challenge the negative thoughts running through your head. These feed your insecurity and breed shyness. Learn about cognitive distortions and learn how to “respond” to self-defeating thoughts that sabotage you. Look at situations realistically and replace those toxic thoughts with more affirming ones that will allow you to see and act like the great guy you are.

* Read as many books and workbooks on shyness and social anxiety as you can. Enlist the help of a therapist or coach to discuss them with you and help you generalize your learning to the places where it counts most.

conclusion

Realize, shy kids, that the more you run away and avoid anxiety-provoking situations, the more your shyness becomes stronger and reinforced. The key is to stop giving away your personal power to others (in what you perceive of them thinking about you) and learn to be more assertive. Stand up for yourself, take charge of your life and don’t stay home another Friday night alone in front of the TV. Get out there and make your dreams come true! You have a lot to contribute and give, but you need to realize this first and take proactive steps to make your vision a reality.

And a special note to all you singles, extroverts, extroverts, not shy…

Don’t be too quick to write off a guy just because he’s a little quiet or reserved. Shy guys can be “lost in the crowd” very easily and get overlooked by more colorful and gregarious men who tend to turn heads in social circles. Never underestimate the power and value of a shy guy. He is very creative, passionate, loyal and caring. Sometimes he may need a little more encouragement or reassurance, but he is loving and supportive and can add a lot of meaning to your life. So never turn a blind eye, because shy guys make good boyfriends too. And who knows, it might even become your life partner.