“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This little rhyme was one that I used many times as a child when someone made fun of me, made fun of me or insulted me. He was trying to keep me safe from another’s words, but the truth is that his words hurt me. I could pretend otherwise, but inside I was hurting that someone would say something with the intention of intentionally hurting me.
However, to this day, the words of others are nothing compared to the pettiness and pain of some of the words I have said to myself. I don’t always say these words out loud, but the inside of my head is not a safe neighborhood to hang out in, especially at night. If I had a doll that represented myself and every time I had a negative or self-critical thought I hit it, I doubt I would make it through the day. This seems to be common among people I’ve talked to. I have worked with dozens of clients who refer to themselves as their worst critic, but never as their best friend.
Many psychologists discuss the concept of the inner critic. It is known by many different names, but most agree that it may be directly related to the way our parents spoke to us as children. Throughout our childhood experiences of interacting with our primary caregivers, we mimic the nurturing we receive inside our own heads, continuing the practice of praising, disciplining, etc. One of the ways it shows up is that critical inner voice. It is also possible to have a caring and supportive voice, but this softer, kinder voice for most people is drowned out by the louder, more critical voice.
In addition to self-criticism, I notice that there are times when everything that goes through my head seems to be negative. Nobody around me is doing anything right, things are going wrong, and the world is a dark and scary place. When my self-talk goes down the spiral of fear, my mind can really go to town with what’s going on with the economy and how it has affected me personally. The ‘what ifs’ take over completely and my inner neighborhood becomes a dark storm of disastrous possibilities manifesting as loss, scarcity and catastrophe.
The good news is that we can actually change our internal self-talk AND we can change what comes out of our mouth. Catching the inner critic before it starts to beat us up and shifting our words into a supportive and nurturing direction, like a coach would, can lead to more positive outcomes in our lives. Being aware, deliberate and intentional about what we say and think requires becoming aware, making a decision and acting differently.
Mindfulness begins with becoming an observer of yourself, noticing what you say to yourself, how you interpret situations, and what actually comes out of your mouth, especially in those moments when no one is there to witness it. I have found the practice of keeping a journal to be very helpful in this. There are times when I don’t feel comfortable telling another person what I’m feeling. Really thinking, but he would write it in a diary that he knew was safe from the eyes of others. Once my thoughts and words are on the page, I can often see how distorted my thinking is.
Once I have recognized a negative or disempowering pattern, I can make a different decision. But what choice do I make? After all, my best thinking got me here. It can be very helpful at first to get information from an objective friend or adviser, as we can’t always be objective with ourselves. For example, I told a friend of mine that not many people have signed up for classes lately. She reminded me that she could see this as something personal that has to do with me or she could more accurately conclude that people are setting funds aside because of the economy. I realized that she was right. If I take it personally, it feels negative, daunting, and discouraging, but with the latest interpretation I can see it as an opportunity to do work that I haven’t had time to do because I’ve been teaching so much. .
Acting differently, of course, means that we don’t just raise our awareness and do nothing with it, it means that we go ahead and declare our new interpretations out loud. It is a way of establishing a new pattern.
The most powerful way I’ve found to make these ideas work for me is by being proactive vs. reagent. If I wait for the times when my thoughts are negative and self-critical, it’s much more difficult to steer me in a positive direction, but by deliberately choosing to be kind and supportive of myself, I can create a positive foundation. to build from.
To do this, I have developed a daily practice of saying positive, uplifting, and empowering affirmations to myself as soon as I wake up in the morning (typically the most negative time of day for many people). Statements like these are commonly called “Affirmations” because they are validating a positive truth that we wish to emphasize and expand upon. The most rewarding result for me is a reduction in fear and depression, despite the constant influx of negative information that is prevalent in the news lately and by doing this on a daily basis I have started a new pattern of more positive thinking which leads to increased self-esteem and obtain more positive results.