Ladies and gentlemen, we need to talk. My father-in-law passed away in August 2014 after a long battle with Lewy Body Syndrome (a form of dementia), and one thing I’ve noticed is that people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s don’t know funeral etiquette. I’m not sure if they are aware of etiquette when someone they know loses a loved one.

Well, I’m here to do you a favor. I am going to explain it to you, because the bad news is that there is a 100% chance that you will need it. Everyone dies, and until the reaper comes for you, you’re going to deal with losing people in your life and the lives of those around you. The good news is that a lot of it is good, old-fashioned, common sense. Here are some tips on how to be a decent human being when life isn’t so decent:

Hint 1 – Find and save the obituary. They are usually posted online through funeral homes and local newspapers. The obituary contains valuable information about the deceased, his survivors, service arrangements, and the family’s wishes for formal condolences. Bookmark it, print it, or copy and paste it into a document for reference.

Track 2 – If it is a relative, friend, colleague, or your spouse that you have lost a parent, sibling, child, or grandchild, it is not acceptable to offer only a verbal condolence (or a text message or email). I underlined or your spouse because I know that nobody cares what the in-laws think, but they also have to live with this as an important part of their life. This happened to the person closest to them, and providing support and comfort is quiet work that can be exhausting. Dismissing or ignoring a major loss is rude, and trying to pass it off as “just a father-in-law” is avoidance.

If you work at a place that has a policy that prohibits participation in weddings, baby showers, and funerals to avoid the perception of favoritism (as I once did), then it is still acceptable for individuals or small work groups to do something. See Track 4 for tips.

In grandparents, this can be more difficult to achieve. If they were closed, it is appropriate to attend services or offer other condolences. If they were not or was a spouse’s grandparent, then a verbal condolence is acceptable.

Condolences by text, email, or social media are inappropriate if you can communicate in person. Always offer your condolences personally and don’t add “by the way” to them. They should be offered separately from any other requests or topics of conversation, and should be as soon as possible after the loss. Don’t skip it. It takes very little time and energy to say “I’m sorry for your loss.”

If the bereaved lives far away and electronic media or social media is your only means of contact, then it is acceptable to offer your condolences in this way, although a phone call is more appropriate if you have their number.

Which way to choose: If you plan to attend services, go to Track 3. If you can’t or don’t want to attend services, go to Track 4.

Tip 3: At memorials, visitations, and funerals, it is acceptable to attend only one if they are held separately.

Know Your Terminology: Memorial Services it means there will be no body or visualization. A display of photographs or memorabilia honoring the life of the deceased is displayed at the service. This is typical for cremations, or where the burial will be private. visits They are held in churches or funeral homes, and are a wake for the body. The family lines up next to the body. Don’t skip the line on a visit. Introduce yourself to everyone in the family line and explain how you met the deceased or which family member you know. funeral they are formal services with the casket closed or the urn brought in during the service. They are usually followed by a graveside service.

Don’t worry; The family doesn’t expect you to stunt with your schedule to be there, especially if there are trips involved. When my father-in-law passed, it was the week before the teachers were due to go back to school, so a lot of people were finishing up for summer break and some didn’t find out until they got back from trips or other obligations that they were trying to take care of. before classes resumed. We understood and did not expect them to change their hours. Also, there were many times when friends lost one of his parents, but I had a meeting on the day of the funeral, so I was only able to visit the night before. Life is hectic, and people get it.

This can be tricky if they do what I call “2 for 1” which is when they visit an hour before the service. You usually have to do both, unless you can come at the beginning of the visit and can explain to the family that their time is limited and they cannot stay for the service.

Graveside services are usually brief and attended by smaller groups. Usually, only people who go to the funeral proceed to the graveside service. This is optional, especially in cases of inclement or extreme weather. It’s usually more geared towards family and close friends, anyway.

Often a meal is offered after the funeral or funeral. This is limited to extended family or friends who had to travel to attend the service. Do not participate in the meal unless a member of your immediate family has invited you to dine with them. Wedding crashers are one thing; funeral intruders are disgusting.

If you can’t wait for services, don’t despair. There are other ways to offer condolences on Track 4.

Tip 4: If you don’t attend services or want to do more, here are acceptable alternatives. Making one is a fancy expression of sympathy, but you can do more if you feel inclined to:

Send a condolence card. This is the easiest thing to do and requires very little investment of time and money. They even make box sets of sympathy cards, so buy a box to keep at home so you can send a card if a friend or colleague loses a loved one.

Send flowers for services. This is time sensitive, because florists generally need 24-48 hour notice of service arrangements. Bring a copy of the obituary so you can let the florist know when and where to deliver the arrangement. Florists will walk you through this process, so don’t be afraid to ask questions. It is also acceptable to submit an arrangement on behalf of a group. Designate someone to order the arrangement and be responsible for reimbursement of the cost of the flowers (you will not have time to collect the amount you will need for a funeral arrangement unless there is a delay of five days or more between notification of death and services).

Put in a memorial for the deceased. Often the family requests that memorials be made in lieu of flowers. This is one of the most popular ways to recognize a loss, and it is tax deductible. You can place memorials at any time, but they are usually done one to three months after the loss. The obituary will give the name of the organization that the family has designated. Look up the address online and mail it directly to the organization with a note that it is a memorial to the deceased (be sure to write down their full and proper name, not a nickname). Do not mail directly to a family member – mail directly to the organization, as they provide a list of people who have sent memorials to the family, and your name will not be on that list unless you mail it directly to the organization . . You should receive an acknowledgment from the organization (save it to file your taxes next year as a “charitable contribution”) and a thank you note from a family member within a month or two of receiving it.

It is also acceptable for a group of people to take up a collection for a large memorial contribution on behalf of a group or organization. This is common in workplaces, clubs, and civic organizations. As with the flowers, usually one person coordinates this and sets a deadline for contributions and sends them to the organization on behalf of the group.

Provide a meal for the family. Churches have a committee assigned to this task, but it is limited to the day of the funeral. Procuring and preparing food can be a challenge when so much is going on and the family converges from all over. It’s a relief to have that burden lifted in the days after the loss. This is especially true if they are members of a smaller church that might not have the resources to provide a full meal, or if they are not members of a congregation. Check with the family in the two weeks after the funeral to find out if they could use a helping hand with meals.

Call, visit the family at home, or meet up for a social function. Some people are sociable and would love to receive a call or a visit. Others are reserved and don’t want to be put on the spot to talk about their feelings. You need to know the person to know if it’s a good idea and how to direct it. We had friends invite us to dinner at his house a couple of weeks after Rick’s dad passed away, and it was just the wish we needed. He actually hurt us to talk about Washington DC, because we were going to that area for a work conference a month later, but it was still perfect. We enjoy going out, visiting with friends, and having the opportunity to talk about the good things that are coming up in life. Other friends visited us, but this visit stuck in our minds because the timing was right and they gave us the chance to look forward to make things better, instead of looking back at things we didn’t feel like discussing at the time. moment.

And a warning: I know the statute of limitations for a normal person to deal with complaints from others is about two days to two weeks. Death is the most uncomfortable subject, and grief is the ugliest emotion to deal with. Unfortunately, grieving is a process that cannot be avoided, avoided, or shortened. With this in mind, keep in mind that you may experience outbursts of tremendous grief or tremendous anger, depending on whether the grieving externalizes or internalizes your emotions, and they can oscillate between the two.

This is normal. I’m not saying that you should excuse them, because everyone is responsible for their actions. I’m saying that the ninety days after someone has lost a loved one is a bad time to get nervous. It is extremely risky to push the limits, test the limits, go on a power trip, issue demands or ultimatums, or “tell them how it’s going to be.” You have a 100 percent chance of getting matched, and frankly, you deserve it. Don’t think they wouldn’t dare. I have seen the tamer angels explode in this critical time frame, so no one is exempt. It can and will happen, so tread carefully.

I hope this article is helpful and serves as a quick guide to death and tort. Don’t make the mistake of thinking they won’t remember you, because they certainly will. Everything in life takes on a different meaning when death has knocked on your door. So many things suddenly seem superficial, and you see them in a whole new light.

Keep in mind that the reaper is always working and will eventually visit your corner of the world. You may think that you are safe, and you are wrong. The fact that he is not in your world today is not a promise for tomorrow, and the courtesy you give him will be the courtesy he returns when you need it most.

Now you know what to do when that happens.