Mobile phones and the ability to send text messages have made the world of dating and relationships much different than it was ten years ago. Some of us remember how we connected by phone at work and at home to do all our social arrangements. Raise your hand (or nod if you’re reading in a public place) those of you who remember sitting by the phone for hours, days, even weeks wishing someone special would call you. Would you do it now? Not likely… when you can send a text message and expect a response in minutes! In an extraordinarily short space of time, we have become accustomed to the idea that we can contact each other anytime, anywhere, anywhere.

However, texting like other forms of social networking, including Facebook, means that first-generation users (ie, you) are still in the early stages of setting the ground rules for the future. In a way, you are not very different from prehistoric man in the discovery of fire. Just as we believe our predecessors adapted their behaviors with the new discovery, so too have we with our new technologies. Nowhere is this more evident than in our intimate relationships.

New Behaviors

In the ‘old days’, fears around rejection meant some would-be lovers never picked up the phone to make that first call. Now we can hide our fears behind technology. We are using text messages to ask others out, and before we meet them, we are flirting with them. We have a new word ‘sexting’ to describe texts of the more explicit kind. Texting is part of the ‘chase’, and as far as loot calls go, it’s now much easier with the (usually drunk) ‘hookup’ text.

Karen and Ryan are an example of the new text behaviors in relationships. They met at a conference and got along well. They exchanged phone numbers, and a few days later, Ryan texted Karen to “test the water.” Karen’s response prompted Ryan to ask her out of it. Soon after, they began seeing each other once or twice a week. They rarely spoke between dates and relied almost entirely on sexting to stay connected. Until the day Ryan didn’t respond to Karen’s text. After several unanswered text messages, mirroring Karen’s emotions shifting from confusion to concern, Ryan finally replied, “This doesn’t work for me, so let’s call it a day..” Karen’s subsequent texts were ignored and she hasn’t heard from Ryan since.

So are we serious or not?

Something you may find of interest is a recent study by Parship, the UK-based online dating service. They found that six in ten (60%) casual daters use text to set up their first meeting, while voice calling was the choice of more than two-thirds (67%) of dating seekers would be.

You are ignoring me?

Perhaps because texting makes connecting and disconnecting so easy is also why it fuels any insecurities that may be in the relationship. Couples often argue with each other for not immediately responding to text messages. An unanswered text message to someone who feels insecure can lead you to think that your partner is ignoring you because of something you did or said, that you’re no longer interested in the relationship, or worse yet, that you’ve run off with that hot co-worker. worked. Meanwhile, your other half may be at a meeting/at a funeral/dining with your mother or just too distracted with work to respond right away. Unfortunately, it’s these kinds of unreasonable expectations around texting that are ruining good relationships.

Aggressive text messages

John and Sarah have been together for nine months and are discussing moving in together. However, one contentious area for the couple is Sarah’s texting behavior. John talks about how Sarah texts him multiple times throughout the day. At the beginning of their relationship, he didn’t see it as a problem and was even involved as much as Sarah, however now he finds it hard to deal with. Things have escalated even more since the arrival on the scene of John’s ex, who is hanging out with his friends. Sarah’s behavior when texting is much more demanding and aggressive. John tried to talk it out with Sarah, assuring her that she isn’t spending time with her ex, but Sarah insists that texting is just her way of keeping in touch with John, nothing more. Sometimes John gets so frustrated with text messages that he reacts by ignoring them. When that happens, the following pattern that has evolved between them is that John receives ten to fifteen text messages from Sarah along with several phone calls demanding to know where she is, who she is with, and insisting that he contact her immediately. John is now reconsidering their future together.

Rules of the game

Texting is still a very new way to communicate, but since it’s here to stay, the following quick tips can help you avoid the kind of texting behaviors that can damage relationships.

• Accept that your partner’s communication style may be different from yours, so a one word response of ‘Excellent’ or ‘Fine’ does not have to mean a lack of interest on their part.
• Avoid texting when you’re angry. Aggressive and hurtful words are hard to take back when written, and never, ever carry out a full-fledged argument over text.
• Remember that text messages are not a substitute for face-to-face contact. Even a smiley face in text can’t beat seeing the real thing on a loved one’s face.

And finally, most of us will claim to have a busy and stressful life, but instead of ignoring a partner’s text and increasing your stress levels later, a quick message sent with something like “Thinking of you” it works wonders in a relationship. Happy texting!