Here’s a question I get all the time: “Hey Scot, how do I know when a woman is interested in me? And how do I get women to approach me first?”

Well, actually there are two questions. But you get the point.

Well, we all know that women are usually subtle creatures. They’re not going to come around often and hit you with a 2×4 and announce, “Hey, dummy…I like you.”

On second thought, maybe in certain parts of Brooklyn and/or Queens that could happen. And having gone to school in central Filthydelphia, I may have to make an exception there too.

But I digress.

Although subtle indicators of women’s interest are often overlooked by most men, all is not lost. In fact, this post is dedicated to lazy guys everywhere who want to hit the “easy button” and skip all the Chick Whispering altogether.

Here, at last, are five bona fide ways you can get women to approach you. your for a change.

Let’s get on with it…

1. be a waiter or bartender

So you want to get your bar/club game in order? Try to work on one. You might even put “gorilla” on your “A list” of must-have jobs. On the other hand, if the AFC persists in buying the hottest drinks for women, then that would defeat my point. We’re going to put you behind the bar and hope for the best anyway. After all, some hottie somewhere has to be buying her own drinks… um, right? On second thought, why not just be a waiter? Taste hash at Red Lobster and serve seafood dishes all day to the beauties. And businessmen on their lunch hour. Here’s a better idea, work in the kitchen. That way the waitresses have to constantly approach you… throughout the shift.

2. take your dog to the park

Ingredients: A Dalmatian. A red scarf. A flying disk. Combine at a local park and mix well. That’s a recipe for being harassed by women if I’ve ever seen one. No Dalmatian? A Labrador, Shetland Sheepdog, or Australian Shepherd should do the trick. Or just take a chihuahua and stand there holding it until someone wants to pet it. And if all else fails, at least you won’t be going home alone… right?

3. work at the mall

What do women love more than anything? Go shopping, of course. And where are most of the stores located to make those purchases? You guessed it… the mall. However, don’t even think about working at Champs or some other men’s store. And don’t let your logic cross your mind and go work at Fashion Bug or something. Only completely style-free women shop there. And it’s not like you can just go to Petite Sophisticate and get a job. That is just creepy. What you have to do is be the guy standing in the food court handing out Chick-Fil-A. Attractive women love Chick-Fil-A. And Orange Julius too. I guess. No, stick with Chick-Fil-A. The name says it all. Never mind the fact that you only get minimum wage for your trouble. It’s all about scoring the girls.

4. Take care of your niece and make it public

First, get an older sister or brother. Then have them have a child or two. Then have the child grow up to (preferably) be potty trained. From there, you have between 18 and 24 months to dedicate yourself to taking care of the children. Dress up the cute girl and take her where the women tend to hang out. Like Chick-Fil-A. I was mugged by Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders at the ELP airport one day with this strategy. Except the girl turned out to be my daughter. And I was married to the mother of the children. So there are no “digits”. Journal.

5. Wear a red shirt to aim

Now let me be frank. I don’t have many red shirts. After all, red means “stop.” However, one day I “hit the target” in one of those red shirts. If you haven’t figured out what this section means yet, people who work at Target wear red shirts. And it’s not even like they have a company standard or anything. They just wear a red shirt they pulled out of the closet… or a freshman football player’s locker. This means that if the planets are aligned and you land on the local target with a red shirt on, chances are you’ll get caught. For beautiful women. And for old people who can’t find the Metamucil. But the point is,
they approach you.

Okay, by now you’ve probably realized that this is a half-serious post at best.

With all the time we spend here talking about “handling” each other, my role as a dating coach for men will always be to encourage men to reach out. I really can’t wait for you to sit here and listen to me blather on about “women coming up to you” with a straight face.

After all, if you’re waiting for women to approach you, you may have to wait a long time. Even if you take the list I gave you above seriously, you have to admit that there are some “surgical procedures” involved. You have to be in the right place at the right time under the right circumstances.

So why not avoid the hassle altogether and go talk to some women? Make the first move. Be proactive. It feels better than wearing a red t-shirt to Target.