Max and Susan had been married for 5 years. They had never done Valentine’s Day right.
Last year, Max had bought Susan a beautiful diamond necklace in a white gold heart. For Max, it represented love. He had a heart, he was beautiful, and he was expensive; moreover, he had chosen it himself. He was completely stunned when she opened it, said an “Oh Max” in a low voice and looked sad. The necklace was still unused in her jewelry box, along with all the jewelry she had given her over the years.
Susan had done no better as a donor. As a Valentine’s Day gift for Max, she’d gotten off work early and made him his favorite comfort food: meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and apple pie. Max walked in and saw the food on the kitchen table, and his face fell, even as he said, “Thank you, Susan.”
Only after the fact did they get together to talk about what they wanted and expected from the holidays.
Only after prompting from Max did Susan share that as much as she might recognize a pretty piece of jewelry, she rarely wore jewelry (hadn’t she noticed?). She had been waiting for tickets to a concert, something they had enjoyed together for special events.
When strongly encouraged to share his own feelings, Max explained that as much as he loved the meals she had prepared and valued the time she had taken, his Valentine’s Day image always included a fancy restaurant and attentive waiters. . Why hadn’t she assumed, like him, that they would come out?
It is funny. We talk about Christmas lists all the time. We never talk about Valentine’s lists. But as we approach Valentine’s Day, we often have hopes and expectations for the occasion. Because it is the feast of romantics, we also often expect our partners to intuitively know how we want the day to be marked or celebrated. Part of the romantic myth is the belief that true love brings the ability to read the mind of the loved one.
Whether or not you are the romantic in the relationship (it can be a man or a woman), you have a picture of what will make Valentine’s Day perfect for you and your partner. Whether it’s breakfast in bed, dinner at a fancy restaurant, candlelight dinner at home, the sending or receiving of roses, chocolate, or diamonds, or any one of a million other possibilities, You have an idea of what a “proper” Valentine’s Day would represent for you. Most likely, you hope that your partner knows the image in your mind.
That means that throughout this country there are anxious partners knowing that they are expected to hit or disappoint each other. In some cases, they also have the fear that wrong guessing is considered poor or insensitive.
As many of you already know, not all couples are equally romantic. And while it is often the case that women are more romantic than men, this is NOT always the case. Being less romantic in spirit does not make you (or your partner) a bad person. However, it opens the door to the possibility or probability that the more romantic partner will be disappointed by the less romantic one. Two couples can also be equally romantic, but in different ways, experiencing different things as romantic and amorous.
I want to argue for this year’s Valentine’s Day celebration that love is not about getting it right. Love is about listening to what your partner is saying to you (and has told you in the past), working to understand it (and how and why it is important to your partner), and then being receptive to doing those things that make your partner feel loved. , appreciated and safe.
If you want your partner to know what makes you happy, tell them. Unless you’ve married a certified psychic, you don’t have to expect perfect intuitive anticipation of your wishes.
If you want your partner to feel loved and appreciated on this very romantic vacation, stop and think about what you’ve been told in the past about what they need, value, and enjoy.
If you don’t tell your partner what you want, you are likely to be disappointed. If you don’t listen to your partner, you are likely to be disappointed.
We wish you a happy and successful Valentine’s Day.